A Bittersweet Ending: Breaking Down Your Weaning Journey
I am overjoyed to bring you a weaning blog post series, written by our very own Alaina Leimbach! Alaina is a milk + honey employee, a mom of four, and a certified lactation counselor (CLC). Part I is all about what to expect with the weaning journey, and how our bodies/souls/minds work when weaning is happening. In Part II (which will be posted shortly!), she will break down gentle weaning, and include some actionable steps you can take, when the time comes. xo, Maria
My fourth child had just turned three when I found myself thinking more and more “is this child ever going to stop nursing?!” Yet moments later, usually while nursing, I would think “I hope these moments together never end.” After breastfeeding four children and choosing different weaning styles with the first 3, I had committed to a more natural weaning approach. I wasn’t shocked or concerned to have hit the three year mark. I was surprised, though, by how one could have such drastically different opinions on the matter in nearly the same breath. How could I go so quickly from wanting it all to be over to wishing it would last a little longer? I found myself getting annoyed and feeling completely touched out, but also feeling moments of true sadness knowing this was the end of so much more. This was the end of my babies being babies. It was the end of a huge phase in my life. There was no baby coming after him as was the case with the others. What a strange and confusing mix of emotions! You would think having weaned 3 children prior I would have had some sense of preparation, but this felt new to me.
In the same way no one can truly prepare you for motherhood, no one can truly prepare you for weaning. Whether your breastfeeding weaning journey is baby led, mother led, or even society led, it’s not always the easiest. Weaning is a fact of life for every breastfeeding mama, but that doesn’t mean it can’t demand more from us physically and emotionally than we anticipated. We may think we know what to expect, but do we really? It’s not often we hear women talk about the trials of weaning and the emotional roller coaster it may be for some. Let’s talk about all of the expected and UNexpected things you may be experiencing throughout your weaning journey.
Alaina nursing her fourth child, baby Jude. Photography credit Liz Hough Photography
The Good, the Bad, and the Hormonal
Weaning marks the beginning of a pretty intense and undeniable hormonal shift. Chances are you will feel it, recognize it, and maybe even sometimes shame yourself for it. During breastfeeding there is a spike in our oxytocin levels. You may have heard oxytocin referred to as the “love hormone.” It’s the one that made us smile uncontrollably as we watched our baby nursing and smelled their glorious baby smell. It’s the one that made all of our worries, stress, and anxieties seem to fade away as we nursed our baby. Prolactin is also elevated while breastfeeding as this is the hormone responsible for making the milk. While prolactin levels are high, estrogen and progesterone levels are low. This plays a part in the delay in your menstrual cycle. When weaning begins those two lovely hormones, oxytocin and prolactin, plummet and estrogen and progesterone rise. This rise brings with it a regular menstrual cycle (if it hasn’t already arrived) and all the glorious mood swings that come with it. They are the type of mood swings where you immediately say “what is WRONG with me?!” after some type of seemingly irrational meltdown and then tell yourself you’re a horrible mother after reacting that way. Believe me when I say you’re NOT a terrible mother and you’re allowed to be a little “extra” when you have some behind the scenes, uncontrollable, extra hormonal crap going on. It will balance out and it will get better.
There are many physical changes that can occur also, but they really do vary among women. Depending on how you’ve started the weaning process, some may experience fuller breasts or even engorgement when feedings have dropped. As prolactin continues to decrease your breasts will inevitably become less full and if we’re being honest, they can become flat and saggy. Maybe you’ll be a lucky one with no changes, or maybe you’ll be the one who performs the magical breast disappearing act when you lay on your back. If you know you know. The good news is that eventually all those whacky hormones will regulate and your breasts could possibly fill out a bit more. I choose to hold onto that hope.
Weight gain is another one of those things that some don’t always see, and others it hits you seemingly overnight. Yes, hormones are certainly at play here, but so is the fact that you’ve spent a significant amount of time consuming more calories and establishing different eating patterns and habits. Making milk is no longer your superpower, so gone are the days of burning calories just by making milk. Changing these habits is hard whether they were healthy or not, especially when we’ve had them for anywhere from a few months up to a few years. I was a lucky one that managed to lose weight and keep it off while breastfeeding for 3 and a half years with baby #4. The same did NOT hold true after weaning. I like to refer to it as the fifth trimester, which means it’s got to have an end sometime, right?
Jude helping Alaina enjoy her morning drink, while he enjoys his <3
Then we have the emotional side, which again can maybe go hand in hand with the hormonal aspects. Some women look forward to weaning and embrace it with welcome arms and no hesitation. I am not that woman and I’m not the only one. Many feel conflicting feelings of loss and freedom. On the one hand we have gained an incredible amount of freedom. We are no longer physically connected to our baby for what can sometimes feel like 24-7. We have the ability to leave our child for extended periods of time without needing to nurse or pump. Those days when nursing seemed to solve all their problems are no more and we don’t have to be the sole comforter. We don’t have to feel touched out anymore and our body becomes ours again. But sometimes all of that can feel like a double edged sword. We want all of those things but they come at the cost of our baby growing up, becoming more independent, our relationship and attachment changing, and our role as mother evolving. That is what leaves us with the sense of tremendous loss. Heck, that’s what leaves some of us with the idea of “let’s have another baby!” Balancing that sense of freedom and loss is HARD. For some this can extend even further into anxiety and depression, which may or may not be something new for you. However you are feeling emotionally during this time, you are not alone.
Now what?!
So even if we recognize all of this and own it, what do we DO? Above all we be kind to ourselves, be patient with ourselves, and grant ourselves a little bit of grace. Practice gentle weaning to slow down the hormonal shift and make the entire process a bit more gradual. We’ll talk more about gentle weaning in an upcoming post. Make space for the mood swings, take a deep breath, and start over. Find new ways to maintain the physical connection with your baby (yes, they will always be your baby) and boost that oxytocin high. Even if it’s just extra bedtime snuggles that you have to offer bribes to get, every little bit of connection can help balance things out. Recognize the physical changes happening and embrace your body for what you have achieved. If weight gain is something that you struggle with, examine it and see if there are changes you feel you should make. If you decide you need to make changes, make sure you are doing it for you and not out of pressure or shame. It can be difficult to love your body especially after so many physical changes, but I believe you should examine where you are and how far you’ve come. Be proud of your body, what you’ve done for your baby, and what you have achieved.
In the end, we should remember to honor this journey and relationship. Write down your story, similar to how you would write a birth story. Commemorate it all with breastmilk jewelry to not only remind you of what you have provided for your baby, but also the sacrifices, challenges, and joys you faced in achieving a breastfeeding goal. Have a professional breastfeeding photo shoot before weaning comes to its end. Even if it feels uncomfortable, you won’t regret it. Snap some selfies of the special moments, especially when you never know if it will be the last time. They don’t have to be flattering, you will still cherish them. Talk through all of your conflicting emotions with your spouse/partner/friend/family member. If emotions seem intense and unbearable then don’t be embarrassed to seek help. Embrace and relish in all the positives and remember that you are amazing. You and your body have done incredible things and that is something you should always be proud of.
Haven’t begun weaning yet?
Some of the things we’ve talked about are inevitable, but don’t feel discouraged. We’ll talk more about how you can mitigate some of these effects with the use of gentle weaning techniques in an upcoming post. Stay tuned!