Lizzie's Breastfeeding Story
Our story this week comes from Lizzie. Lizzie had some tough moments in her journey, but she did an amazing job and learned some amazing lessons!
My breastfeeding story is unique in so many ways, in fact, in some ways I cannot believe I have a breastfeeding story to share. To begin, unlike the majority of moms, I was not sure if I wanted to breastfeed. I was adopted and formula fed from birth so I strongly felt that formula was just as great as breast milk. In addition, I did not understand the bond people had with breastfeeding. While I had never breastfed before, I was honestly weirded out by the whole concept and did not think a bond could actually happen. I think I was defensive because I felt I had the strongest bond with my mom since day one and I was not breastfed. I was willing to give it a try, but knew I would never be someone who breastfed their baby until a year.
Day one of my breastfeeding story. My beautiful baby boy, Brooks, was born on May 23, 2019. He was breech throughout my entire pregnancy so he arrived via cesarean section. Again, my story and view on pregnancy is unique in that I was ecstatic to have a c-section. I am a type A planner and to know exactly when and how my baby was going to be born was very important. I had stressed for weeks prior about how long my labor would be, when my water would break, how would I know if my contractions were real, etc. Getting a definitive answer to all of my questions a week before delivery was the best news. My c-section went as easy as could be and better yet, my healthy baby boy was brought into the world at 39 weeks. I was able to do skin to skin with him immediately and within ten minutes the nurse was helping me with getting him to latch.
Brooks was a pro from the first latch. I felt a little tugging but no pain. I was convinced I was still high off the endorphins of welcoming my baby into the world that I did not notice the pain many mom friends of mine had fair-warned me about. I kept waiting for the pain to hit. The first two nights in the hospital Brooks cluster fed around the clock and yet still no pain. I thought maybe the breastfeeding struggle and pain would come when my milk came in. Four days postpartum and my milk came in and yet again, Brooks continued to latch with ease, but I really started to struggle.
Physically, I was lucky, and nursing was not painful. Emotionally, it was another story. I have never had a cup size over an A. When my milk came in, I quickly went from a small cup size to a large cup size. As a naive first time mom, I thought my body would literally bounce back in a month, not continue to change. I was now bustier than ever and I did not feel comfortable in my skin. I was told it was just the initial milk coming in and my body would regulate over time. Three months had passed and I was wearing a nursing bra in a size E! I was an over-supplier and as my lactation consultant said, I was one of the top three over-suppliers she had ever worked with. I struggled with my oversupply for more reasons than the outward appearance that I was uncomfortable with. I felt isolated because I always had to feed Brooks in private due to his heavy spit up after my initial let down. I also never wanted to complain about it as I knew so many moms envied anyone with an oversupply.
I never felt the attachment or the bond everyone talked about, but I kept trying to breastfeed because I felt pressured to continue. It was more of an internal pressure than anything else, to be honest. I wanted to be the kind of mom who could be strong and get through anything for my child. Every day I would tell myself: just one more day. I did this for three months, after each day, repeating: just one more day. At three months, I called it quits and switched to formula.
I completely weaned Brooks and was feeling good in my skin until two weeks had passed. I will never forget feeding Brooks a bottle before his first nap of the day and him all of a sudden refusing it. He really had not struggled with the transition and had been taking bottles with formula great from me for two weeks. He turned his head and started rooting. I had a rush of emotions hit me and I sobbed. I immediately felt like I did not have a good enough reason to quit. I did not have a low supply, it did not hurt to nurse, he was gaining weight, and I did not have to go back to work. What was my reason? I wanted to quit so I could have my body back and that felt extremely selfish. Typing this now, it is important for me to remind anyone reading this that you can quit because you want to. There does not need to be another reason; you are completely valid in your decision. I know this now.
So, I started pumping right after Brooks went down for his nap. I pumped for 25 minutes and did not get a drop of milk. I knew re-lactation was possible, but took an incredible time commitment. I was so determined to do what was best for him that I pumped every three hours during the day and every four hours at night for 27 days. On day three, I finally got two drops of milk. I was ecstatic. By day five, I had 1 oz total for the day. By day ten, I had 6 oz total for the day. I began latching Brooks, as he was much more efficient than the pump. By day 27, we were back to exclusively nursing. I still struggled with oversupply once my supply was fully re-established, but at that point I was so excited to be given a second chance I did not let it bother me.
Brooks and I made it to one year. What? Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would breastfeed my child to a year. Remember, this is the girl who did not know if I would make it past day one. The same girl who stopped nursing for a month and had to re-lactate. Yet, here we are. Leading up to his first birthday, I told myself we would begin the weaning process. His first birthday came and went and now he is thirteen months old. We are still nursing and I think it is because I love it. I know it is because I love it. It is the most special bond and I am not ready to let go yet.
What do you think about Lizzie’s story? We love how she was able to learn through her journey and came to love breastfeeding! Thanks for sharing Lizzie!
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